Tag Archives: Decision Making

Stuck – focus on the process, not the solution

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Stuck in the Paradox of Choice

Over the last month I’ve had several conversations with people who are just stuck; their unhappy with their current place and want to do or be something different, but they don’t know what.

When talking to each of these people it became obvious that they were stuck in the paradox of choice. That is, in front of them they each had a variety of choices as to what job they could do, where they could live, and how they could choose to live their life. And while being in the position of having so many choices was great, they found themselves unsure of which of their choices to pursue, or even whether they should pursue any of them at all.

In all essence they were stalled by the number of possibilities in front of them.

Why before What

In each of the conversations with those people who where were stuck, I couldn’t help but challenge them on whether they really knew what they wanted to achieve in the first place. That is, when we know the destination, assessing which path to take becomes easier.

When I raised the question of ‘Why’ – what is the purpose you are trying to fulfil in considering any of these options – they each looked at me blankly.

“Surely it’s only when we understand why something is important to us in terms of contributing to our purpose, that we can understand what the best options could be for fulfilling it.” I stated.

In the face of Uncertainty – Focus on the Process!

The question of purpose is not always an easy one to solve. Often, when we haven’t properly considered this – what is the purpose of our lives – we sit faced with a blank field of uncertainty in front of us.

Unfortunately, as is wired into our physiology, uncertainty for most human beings breads anxiety and fear. And to resolve this, we rapidly fumble around trying find a solution, often unconsciously clasping onto the most convenient solution rather than that which will help us truly fulfil our potential and live our purpose.

To ease our anxiety and fear in the face of uncertainty however, we don’t need to jump straight to solution mode; we don’t need to ‘fix-it’ as quickly as possible. Instead, we can fill the space with a process that helps us on the journey to find the solution.

Process = Journey of Discovery

The recommendation I gave to each person I spoke with is to hold the tension of wanting to find an answer and use your energy to go on a journey of discovery. To guide them on this journey I encouraged them to consider a few simple questions:

– Who am I ? (who do you really want to live your life as?)

– Why am I here? (what contribution do you wish to make in this world?)

Through considering these questions I’ve already seen these people explore different alternatives, connect with different people who give them energy and most importantly, contribute more positively to those around them.

The answers in life are not always easy and obvious but embarking on a journey of discovery, where our focus is on fulfilling our potential and purpose, is what helps us live in a state of unconditional happiness.

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Micro-Manifestations – The patterns which define our Purpose

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What we already know…

The purpose we seek to fulfil in our lives represents the purpose of our existence. When faced by such a significant statement, and choice, it’s easy to be daunted by the concept of searching for and even committing to something which will define us. Furthermore, when we realise that one of our core existential fears is of freedom – we fear the freedom we have to choose our life direction – we can understand why so few of us make the decision to ‘live with purpose’. But, what many people fail to realise is that each of us actually already know, albeit at an unconscious level, what our purpose is.

Look Outside to Find Within

When we hit the deepest darkest place within the existential vacuum it is easy to feel despair; it is easy to feel lost and without a destination or purpose; to feel that although there is no turning back to the life you’re leaving, there is also no clear path to follow into the future.

It is at this moment that we often intuitively begin our search within ourselves, introspecting to find the answers we need. However, this approach will not always provide what you desire, as although the answers to the questions posed within the existential vacuum (Who am I? and Why am I here?)  do come from within, they can only be answered from first looking outside. That is, to alleviate the tensions we feel and to discover the purpose we desire, we must focus first on our contribution to those around us – we must look outside of ourselves and focus on how and where we are making a positive contribution to the world. It is therefore, from outside ourselves that we find the answers which lie within.

Searching Outside – Look for the Micro-manifestations

Manifestation

The search outside to find our contribution to those around us can be a confusing one. It is rare for those passing through the existential vacuum to recognise that their contribution has been leaking from them throughout their lives; our purpose has always been with us, pouring from us into the world in the form of micro-manifestations. That is, throughout each of our lives we have, to a greater or lesser degree, been living our purpose through small unconscious patterns of behaviour. We have been contributing positively to those around us through our day to day actions as we interact with others.

To begin the journey of discovering your purpose, we must therefore consider the common ‘contribution’ patterns we have exhibited throughout our life. We must then piece these micro-manifestations of our purpose together as if completing a puzzle to see what they reveal. And as the picture forms, so to will your understanding of why you are here on this earth.

Although the journey through the existential vacuum is a difficult one, the answers you are seeking exist. They exist in your past and as a part of your present in the form of recurring patterns of contribution.

Are you a Victim?

There Are Victims Among Us…

Every time I watch this clip I can’t help but think about a few individuals that I’ve helped over the years. These individuals were all good people, with the right motives and all in search of happiness and fulfilment in their lives. However, in addition to these great traits, they also had one thing in common:

They were all Victims!

When I say that they were victims, I mean they allowed themselves to be victims to their circumstance; whenever things didn’t work out the way they’d hoped, they just sat there and complained, rather than taking ownership and action. 

How do we become Victims?

I’m not sure what the true reasons are for why we become victims, it could be both a nature and a nurture thing. However, what I am sure about about is why we continue to be victims into adulthood. And the reason is…

Because we avoid taking responsibility!

The absurdity of the video clip reveals this … ‘Why don’t they just walk up the steps?’ … I’m sure you wondered. That’s exactly right!

Although the video clip above is an extreme example, often when working with vicitms I’ve felt myself asking the same questions of them as we would ask of those people in the clip – Why don’t you take action? Why don’t you take responsibility?

Whenever I ask these questions of victims I always get bombarded with the usual load of excuses, all of which are designed to hold them in the comfortable ‘victim state’ they exist in!

Breaking Free of the Victim Mindset

To break free of the victim mindset is, as I describe it, simple but tough. It’s simple because taking responsibility is as easy as recognising when we’re avoiding responsibility. And then, when we realise that we’re in ‘avoiding’ mode, we seek to make our decisions for ourselves. However, although this seems simple, making the decisions we need to make can sometimes feel quite tough.

Why does it sometimes feel tough to make decisiosn for ourselves? Well…from what I’ve experienced with people, it’s because we’re scared of getting it wrong!

Being Scared of Getting it Wrong

The reason why we become victims and hence avoid taking responsibility is purely about fear. Often this fear is intense and buried deep within our unconscious. And, our fear is about being scared of getting it wrong.

One of the key existential concerns that each human has is the fear of freedom; we are free to choose what we do with our lives in the moment and over the course of our existence. We are therefore responsible for our lives. This on anyone’s measure is quite daunting, because the natural question ask is: what if I get it wrong?

This fear of getting it wrong, as I’ve said is natural. But this is only relevant if we believe there is a right and wrong decision to make. For many of the decisions we have to make we perceive them to be more important than they potentially are – yes, some decisions are critically important, but not all of them!

Throughout our lives we have to make many decisions, some big and some small. For the big decisions we know that they may have a significant impact on our lives. However, this is not a reason to avoid them or defer them to someone else. Because, believe it or not, this is still making a decision.

Stop being a Victim – Take Ownership of Your Life!

To avoid being a victim we must therefore recognise when we need to make decisions and then take ownership of our own lives. This does not mean that the decisions are not tough, but it does help us realise that whether we like it or not, they are our decisions to make!

Don’t allow yourself to be trapped as a victim – conquer your fear by stopping yourself from taking responsibility, so you can begin to take ownership of your life!